Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
