i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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