1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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