Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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