Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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