Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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