You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
