i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
