Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Randomize
