what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
