You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
