I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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