can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just want to make out with him forever
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
