Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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