I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
