Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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