I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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