I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
