Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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