after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
