I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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