I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize