He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
