After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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