Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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