ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
