I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
