You're so nebulous sometimes
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
