I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
