I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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