your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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