he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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