the condom got lost in my hair
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
