i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
