Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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