I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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