I think my vagina is haunted
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
