we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
