this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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