You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
