Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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