There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
