She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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