Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
