Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
