so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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