I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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