Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
