all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
