Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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