I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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