There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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