I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
