Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
