dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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