Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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