you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Watching her eat just hurts me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
