I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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