Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
