he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
